Goodbye
by Dilandaus-girl
Summary: After so many years unable to utter those three simple words, Trowa finally manages to affirm his true feelings for his lover only to find its to late! Death fic one-shot. 3x4x3


Title: Goodbye

By: Dilandaus-girl

Disclaimer: Mores the pity - I do not own Gundam Wing. I do own Heero plushy mind you ^_^ so I suppose that's some small consolation. 

Pairing: 3x4x3

Warnings: Death fic

Authors notes: I'm back. Finally! After a year of not posting but at least I've got stuff to show for it. This has been an ongoing one shot I've been working on since 7th Nov last year. It's a death fic based on Trowa's pov and just happens to be my first GW fic which I've officially posted. It came about listening to 'This love' by Craig Armstrong – a song I've been in love with since I first heard it on Cruel Intentions. Just listening to it this fic came to mind and when the muses are generous one does not question – merely makes the most of it. I'm not really one for death fics. I'll read them if they are well written but never attempted to write one myself. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. I can but keep my fingers crossed. And I'd love to hear what you think about it. 

Goodbye

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I love you. 

I can say it now. I no longer find myself controlled by the tightening of my throat, the lightness in my stomach or the dizziness in my head!

I love you.

I'd scream it to the world if I thought it could make a difference… if I thought you could hear. I'd write it a thousand times, in a thousand different ways if I thought you could read it; no longer putting pen to paper to find my fingers have not the ability to form the words. Such simple words, words I could never find the strength to say before… before the chance was taken away.

Why! Why? It's not fair, it's not right. Not after everything that's gone on between us. Not after surviving against so many odds. And now, with such a cruel twist of fate we're apart, alone… lost. 

My lips, they touch your skin, such a simple touch to your brow, cold, still… empty. I've given you a thousand kisses before this. Always in private, away from prying eyes; from those who would point, stare, judge. Always to protect you, hold you close and near, to save you face, never having to think that perhaps you're different, always knowing that I'm there. Yet in the end what has it done? How was I to know…

Perhaps, ultimately, I smothered you. My concern weakening you, hurting you when all I wanted to do was be your shield, even when I knew you were so much stronger than that! I fashioned you like I would a doll, keeping you in a box, handling you with such care; placed high up on a pedestal out of ways harm. I forgot that to appreciate you truly I needed to free you, let you breath, never contemplating the consequences, when you'd eventually fall and break. Somehow forgetting that by placing you there I had kept you from learning, living. 

Forgive me, please. Forgive me for all the harm I've caused you. So many months of pain. God knows I'll never be able to forgive myself! I know I should have known, should have seen that ever so slowly I was pushing you further away, never meaning to, only doing what came naturally to me, only doing that which caused the most harm. You knew it, I can see it now, when I looked into your eyes; those endless orbs that were once as rich and colourful as the ocean; far more expressive than I could ever hope to be. 

I long to look into them again, be comforted and reassured by them, by you; like so many times before, when I was nothing but another nameless face, one you took pity on and welcomed so heartily into your life. You showed me, showed me all those things I lacked, had never known, those things I ultimately stole from you, more to my shame! And yet, even then, even in my weakest of moments I was muted… those three simple words so impossible to say.

You spoke it so frequently, as if it were the easiest thing to say. Nights you would spend tracing those simple syllables on my exposed back, each sweep of your fingers sending shivers down my spine. You loved to kiss my shoulder blades, whispering those warm words of devotion into my skin. You spoke words of love and devotion as languidly as trickling water, constantly flowing from your lips. It made me so envious, how simple it seemed… how no matter how many times I tried to say it they just wouldn't come.

My fingers, they trace your cheek, the cold there a bitter contrast to the heat of my fingers against your ivory skin - so soft and smooth. I once compared you to an angel; your shimmering hair seeming to dance with your every movement, framing those aqua eyes, concealed behind a veil of blond. Your innocence, too, portrayed an angelic quality, even with the simplest of smiles, glances, kisses. Truly a creature as pure as yourself should never have been tainted by the likes of me.   

Foolishly I thought it would last forever, this – whatever we once had but now I see that it was impossible. It was nothing more than a childish dream of a perfect, peaceful life; one we shared, one that was never meant to be

I should have known that you were too good for me, that I was too weak. In truth it's that breaking fact which leads me to admit such hurtful truths… that I did nothing but wound you, stifle you, cause you nothing but pain. It was inevitable! 

I'm sorry. Sorry for hurtful looks and harsh words spoken in anger, frustration… fear, which cut so deeply… nothing but meaninglessness and untrue lies.  Yes fear, fearing the truth, making you suffer for it. Turning from you and seeing the defeat in your eyes, the sagging of your pail shoulders. Slowly I'd chipped away the life, energy from you. Any fool could have seen it. I know our friends did- tried to make me realise what I was doing to you. How could I have not seen – why did I act too late?!

Wake up, please. Tell me it's just a dream. Don't leave me alone in this cruel world, with a lonely pillow as my only bedfellow. How can it hold me as you did, whisper those sweet words in my ear or release that soft laughter I knew so well; that I'll miss so much…

Your safe now. Safe from the world, the lost and lonely people who wander aimlessly about it – safe from me! You can rest in peace assured in the fact that I can do you no more harm. 

I know if you could, you'd say: You don't, never have… something to momentarily sooth me, make me feel better and overlook the pain in your eyes. My top priority my own selfish needs. But that can no longer be. 

No more trials to test you; drain you of your strength, your will. No more pointing of fingers, accusing stares which at the time didn't seem to faze you, made it seem like you didn't care. But I know you better than anyone. I was there. I remember. I remember the tremble in your shoulders as you lay in bed at nights. Those fawning eyes gazing emptily into the growing darkness, the dampness lining your cheeks a bitter reality to the suffering you undergo. Yes. Safe now.  And yet…

No longer will you be able to do those things you once loved so much. The snow will fall – as it does now – and you will not acknowledge it. Laughing gaily as the soft flakes touch your flushed cheeks as you spend hours of self-indulgent delight, amused by the white crunching of the snowy white blanket beneath your feet. 

The rain will fall from the sky on those cold March noon's and you will no longer be there to dance in it – tugging at my arm, playfully trying to get me to join in as I simply watch in silent humour. Nor kick at the accumulated oranges and gold's littering the forest floor on one of those many walks we once took, the wind rustling your blond hair as we go, arm in arm. Such simple things – gifts of natures I once recall you say.

You won't shed tears at the theatre, at the concerto, which touches you so deeply. Nor at that romantic novel I know you always kept hidden under your pillow, crumpled, worn and well read. No. Cold is the only thing you can look forward to now. Darkness has claimed you for his own and has stolen you away, so that he alone may revel in your beauty. Thy lips, eyes, nose and cheeks; such simple things I once thought were for my eyes only, now his alone. 

Sleep well, dearest heart. May heavenly angels guide you with the swiftest of wings and the softest of feathers. And, when the time comes, when the fates are merciful and my repentance accepted, I'll join you. 

When that time comes, please be waiting. Quatre. My love.

End

So… any takers? *crosses fingers* Just something short and sweet between writing my larger pieces. I do hope you liked. If not I'll likely just crawls away and hide for the next week or so till I find the courage to pick up pen and paper again :P  


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